Starting my birthday list: follow along

Just so you know, my birthday is July 19. And, yes, that makes me a Cancer with a side of Leo. If that matters to you. I was all set to write about masturbation tonight, but since my birthday is less than 3 months away, I thought you'd appreciate my starting a birthday wish list for you, so you can get me something really cool for my birthday. I'm going to have a big party this year, and even though the invitation will say "No gifts," we all know that's bullshit. 

To be honest, I don't wear flip flops (or thongs, as we called them when I was a kid) because they give me blisters between my toes, nor do I spend much time on the beach (find me a redhead who does and I'll show you a cancer .... skin cancer). Still, I would love a pair of these flip flops, which I would maybe frame and hang on my dining room wall. Or maybe I'll just spray them with paint and walk down the sidewalk toward my house, although come to think of it, the person who's most likely to be following me would be some ancient, 35-year-old alcoholic pushing a shopping cart full of stolen scrap metal. Hmmmm. 

I still want them! So do you, right?

Apparently you can create flip flops with anything on the bottom of them. What would you want your flip flops to say?